Wait, wait! Before you go…

Wait, wait! Before you go.

I have questions to ask you. Things to say. And things to learn that I can only learn from you. Can we schedule some time together?

Yes, I know that it is already past time. There is no more time. We took time, missed other time, and now you are gone. My heart just doesn’t recognize this yet. 


The above is reflective of a conversation I had with my daughter this morning after we learned that a beloved family member had passed from a freak accident, and neither of us could process it.  A few days earlier, many people close to me were reeling from another death in the community from suicide. A few weeks earlier, I was at the memorial of a dear friend who also took his life.

My therapist asked me how I grieve. It’s admittedly an appropriate topic right now.  She helped me see how my process is to shut down my own emotions and to take care of others. My own grief is delayed, perhaps indefinitely. Perhaps this is why my mind is stuck thinking that the separation is temporary, like an extended vacation, and we can get together again later.

Meanwhile, Kevin just left for Cuba for nine days, and since he won’t have cell service, my (obviously rather confused) brain is in full grief mode. Supposedly this is normal, and I just need to figure out how to find a focus for my grief. For the record, I’m annoyed by this feeling and prefer my “abnormal” way much better.


Here’s to taking the time when we have it, gratitude for what was, and treasuring what is. 

Synesthesia: Do You Hear in Color?

rotation_shape_rainbow_colors_16416_2560x1440[Updated from April 08, 2009] Do you hear in color?  Many people do! And this is just one form of crossing perceptual modalities. Since this trait can impact learning, it is important to be aware of it and how it can be a gift or a challenge – or both!

I have always associated colors with different things such as sounds, words/concepts, days/months, and even letters/numbers. I also perceive all of these, and many other things, to have genders and personalities. My first clue that not everyone thought this way was when, as a child, I asked my grandmother if my ring finger was a girl or a boy. She told me that all of my fingers were girls because I am a girl. I decided to not ask Grandma these types of questions.

There are tests you can take, but they have some limitations. My scores on a battery of tests I took range from .36 to .76, and anything below 1.0 is considered synesthesia.  The tricky part for me is that I sometimes perceive more than one color as well as textures (thick liquid, metal, etc.), and the battery of tests didn’t account for this.  Also, colors can cause emotional and even physical reactions, especially with certain hues or color combinations. A thing I wasn’t tested for was my association with physical sensations and pitches/frequencies of sound.

People who have this “sensory crossing” are impacted in how they perceive and process information, which includes learning.  It makes the perceptual modality aspect of “learning styles” a bit more complex.  However, it can also be used to one’s advantage (i.e. color-coding notes or using different highlighters, or associating different music, etc.); it is a very personalized process for each person.

Sometimes there can be modality interference; for example, what if a teacher’s concept map or feedback put things in colors that don’t match what the student’s perception is of those concepts?  In my experience, this can be rather distracting! Ideally, the student would be able to adjust the colors to match his or her perceptions.

By the way, there seems to be a genetic link. My youngest daughter has strong synesthesia associations; however, they are different from mine as there is no link for what the actual associations will be.

Think you might experience synesthesia?  If so, you can try one or more tests: http://synesthete.org/

I would love to hear what your results were!

Not Pizza or Potato Chips – Moving Past the Ownership Mentality

heart-shaped-pizza-shape-salami-many-other-ingredients-39233297Curious Monogamous Person (CMP): So your boyfriends share you?

Me: *blinks in confusion* I’m not a pizza.

Later… CMP: So you can date as many people as you want. Why do you only have two partners?

Me: They’re not potato chips.

*Laughter* Remarks about food analogies.

Sorry… I’m hungry.


A friend or business contact who wants to go out to lunch isn’t consenting to *sharing* me when I schedule a meeting with another contact.

My daughters are “mine” and yet I do not own them — they are autonomous grown women.


The idea of *sharing* is a left-over concept for people coming from a type of monogamy mindset that includes *ownership.* I don’t own anybody, and nobody owns me. I have strong devoted relationships of many types (romantic and otherwise), plus I have more casual relationships (romantic and otherwise).

Yes, with the more devoted relationships, there is a mindfulness in nurturing the relationships, coordinating schedules, and so on because we are operating as an extended family unit. We are part of something bigger, but that something does not *own* us.

Note: reaching for the ownership mentality is usually due to insecurity and wanting to have something more solid-feeling in commitment.

It’s also an illusion.

Even with monogamy, it’s not the guarantee people want it to be. I say this while also holding close to my heart my own committed relationships and the hope to have my loved ones close until our final days, and nurture these relationships toward that end… but still, nobody owns anybody here.


Farewell My Alien Friend

Scott Wallawa Lake w Darrin in backgroundMy first impression of Scott was on my 16th birthday when a bunch of us decided to go to Skate West. Remember that place?

Imagine that: Scott with wheels on his feet. This wall of a guy barreled toward me full speed, yelling HAPPY BIRTHDAY, projecting so much energy that all I could do was grip tightly onto the side wall.

Somehow I ended up his ride home. My car wasn’t big enough to contain that much energy. He opened the glove box, poked around, closed it. Opened the middle console, poked around, closed it. Checked other nooks and crannies, in this sort of happy bouncy curiosity. And then, while the car was still in motion on the road to his house, he threw it from “drive” into “park.” My car obeyed, coming to a sudden stop but not without sounds that made me wonder if it would ever start again. I held onto the steering wheel, breathing, disbelieving… and then turned to Scott to say in a low tone, “do – not – ever – do – that – again.”

That big guy suddenly became very small. “Okay” he said, which came across more as an “eep!”

And we became good friends after that.

We had many adventures. Traveling down the highway with Scott headbanging in the passenger seat always drew attention, and sometimes made staying in the lane a challenge (especially when Bohemian Rhapsody came on). Just so long he didn’t touch the gearshift, all was good.

Scott embodied music. Did you know that Scott enjoyed classical music? When 88.1 would go off the air, he shifted the dial to classics, from Metallica to Mozart. He loved a wide range of genres.

Scott was brilliant. When working on my undergrad degree, I would come over with stacks of research articles to read through. Scott would grab a highlighter and note important information in articles, and we would discuss a wide range of topics – especially in social sciences and world events.

Scott was surrounded by magic. We would play this game where I would think of shapes – simple ones such as a heart or diamond – and he would then tell me what I was seeing. This created a connection that came up at interesting times. For example, I felt a sudden burst of emotion from him and called him on the phone to ask what was wrong. “Oh Tam,” he said, sadly. Then he told me he just learned that his mom was diagnosed with cancer.

I moved away for many years. After returning, my daughters’ first impression of Scott was this bear of a guy lifting me up in the middle of the mall and swinging me around. He was in typical heavy metal gear and I was in a business suit, which made it more funny. He also accidentally scared a little kid in Hot Topic, and the more he tried to put the kid at ease, the worse it was. Scott loved kids and animals.

When catching up, I admit to feeling concern upon learning about the pyrotechnics he was working with. The idea of Scott plus explosives seemed especially dangerous, but if anyone could understand fireworks – especially paired with music — it would be Scott.

Scott was the type of friend who showed up on moving day. Literally. He took a bus all the way from Kennewick to Benton City to help Heather and me load a little moving truck and start a new chapter in our life. When he stepped off the bus in the distance, I knew it was him because of the Tigger bounce in his step. He kept our spirits up with his smile and bounce, quickly loaded the truck, renamed our bird “Charlotte” because she liked him (I still don’t get the logic there, but okay), and helped us unload in the new place.

Scott was there. For many of us, he was there.

Because Scott was love. He loved and was loved by many.

I had been thinking of him last week, trying and failing to get in touch with my old friend. When Eileen created the Tribute group and said to add people, the first person I added was Scott. I was relieved to maybe have a gathering coming up where I could reach him. I didn’t know…. I didn’t know that the tribute group was made because Scott was now gone. That he had chosen to leave this life added to the shock and pain.

I’m still processing, in a very messy way, all these emotions.

I grew up feeling like I had been dropped off by aliens. I was “other” — an anthropologist in the place I was born into. How perfect was it that one of my dearest friends growing up would be nicknamed ALF – Alien LifeForm. I am sad by the loss, but I am so grateful that he was in my life.

Deep Peace to You
Deep peace of the running wave to you.
Deep peace of the flowing air to you.
Deep peace of the quiet earth to you.
Deep peace of the shining stars to you.
Deep peace of the infinite peace to you.

Blessed be.




Pictures of Scott


Courtesy of Cin Johnson

Scott Wallawa Lake Horse Trail Ride 527248_110632715737222_632295308_n CBC Graduation w Scott and Jacinta Scott with Birdie

No Such Thing as Incorrect Emotion

EmotionsThere’s no such thing as an incorrect emotion.

Sure, it might be based on incorrect information, or you might make a bad decision based on emotions, but the emotion itself is not in question. If you feel it, it is real.

I recently said this to a student I had the pleasure to visit. I more recently said this to a friend who reached out to me in anguish over a personal situation as she questioned the legitimacy of her feelings. The reason it is really on my mind, however, is some work that I have been doing since November.

Because I prefer to be proactive and focus on designing my life for the positive, I don’t like to dwell on the past. However, the past has a way of popping up at the most inconvenient times. Sparing you the details, I am lucky to have survived my childhood, and there were some things I needed to revisit.

When I started the process, I was doing it from my present, 40-something self, with my current knowledge and perspectives. The problem with this is that what I actually experienced was through the eyes of a child. The understanding (or lack of), the feelings, and the things actually perceived, are what impacted that child. My present self talking over my past self wasn’t doing me a darn bit of good. So I finally wrote out memories, one by one, in the raw. No judgment. No editing. Somewhat messy. With each one, a greater sense of peace replaced the previously-felt emotions. I am still amazed by the process.

In this way, I held space for myself in much the same way I advocate doing for students when they have feelings or thoughts to share. What they are experiencing is what they are experiencing. What they feel is what they feel. Let that be heard. Analysis and working with those ideas can come afterward when the time is right. From the minor things in life to greater adversity, honoring oneself and mindfully working through emotions is a life skill often forgotten in the list of subjects we teach.

And by doing this for ourselves, I now realize, we can do a better job in helping others. It still takes practice though. So my New Year’s resolution is to learn more about how to empower one’s voice – my own and others – especially for those recovering from trauma. If you have any ideas or resources to send my way, I will receive them in gratitude.

What about you? Do you do resolutions, New Year’s or otherwise? If so, what is your focus for this next journey around the Sun?

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